fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffCourtesy of Sean Nelson
= Story Style Joke / 
= One Liners
A guy named Joe receives a free ticket to the Iron Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the stadium, he realizes his seat is in the last row in the upper deck. He is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows from the field right on the 50 yardline. He decides to take a chance and make his way through the stadium to the empty seat. As he sits down, Joe asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says "No". Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Auburn-Alabama game and not use it?!" The man replies, " Well actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Iron Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1960." "Well, that's really sad," Joe said, "but still, you couldn't find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?" "No," the man relied, They're all at the funeral!" - (Courtesy of Debi)
An Auburn fan and an Alabama fan went to Las Vegas on vacation to play the slots. The 2 friends decided to split up and see which machines were working best. When the 2 friends met at the end of the day, the Auburn fan had broke even, but the Bama fan was loaded down with quarters. The Auburn fan asked him how he did it. The Bama fan said he found a machine that would give you 4 quarters every time you put a dollar in it!
An Alabama Fan and his girlfriend were embracing passionately in the front seat of a car. "Want to go in the back seat?" she asked. "No" he replied. A few minutes later she asked, "Now do you want to get in the back seat?". "No" he said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you."
Two Alabama Fans are walking down different ends of a street toward each other. One is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Bobby Ray, whatcha got in the bag?" "Just some chickens." "If i guess how many there are, can i have one?" "Hell, i'll give you both of them!" "OK, uummmm...five?"
The FDA is considering allowing the recording of the Mike Dubose television show to be used instead of sleeping pills.
Some Tide administrators think luxury boxes are boxes of ribs from Dreamland.
Alabama has an announcer whose four favorite words in the English language are "All You Can Eat".
The school named its football complex after Bryant to go along with the other 1,024 landmarks of the same name.
Tide faithful recently voted to change the famed "great pair" of Golden Flake and Coca-Cola as sponsors of the television show to RC and a Moon Pie.
Mike Dubose said last month he thought 4-3 is one too many players per cheerleader.
The term "three strikes" applies to how many times the school's basketball coach has to hit his secretary before being fired by the school.
When a Tiger was doing his business in the restroom, he started to walk out the door until a Crimson Tider said, "Hey Tiger, at Alabama they teach us to wash our hands after we pee." The Tiger fan said, "Here at Auburn they teach us not to pee on our hands!"
Alabama folks believe being a lawyer is an honorable profession.
Some Tide fans are still angry that Forrest Gump didn't win the Heisman.
A smorgasbord is considered an incentive bonus in Eli Gold's announcing contract.
Ray Perkins bought the steel plate in his head at Radio Shack.
Alabama fans believe Coach Bryant is still alive and living at Graceland.
Pepper Rogers said it best: "Getting fired is tough enough, but being replaced by Bill Curry is like coming back from a long weekend and finding out your wife went off with Don Knotts".
Alabama's basketball team can do almost everything with the ball but sign it.
An Auburn, Tennessee and a Alabama student were all having lunch together on a bridge outside Birmingham. The Auburn student opens his lunch box and says, "A hotdog again! if i have to eat one more hotdog i'm going to jump off this bridge!"
The Tennessee student then opens his lunch box and exclaims, "Salad again! if i have to eat salad one more time i'm going to jump too!"
Lastly the Bama student opens his lunchbox and complains, "Peanut butter and jelly! if i get peanut butter and jelly one more time i'm going to end it all too!"
The next day the Auburn student finds another hotdog and jumps... the Tennessee student got salad again and threw himself off the bridge too... finally the Bama student finds peanut butter and jelly again and jumps to his demise as well.
Later when the three mothers were grieving the Auburn mother cries, "If i had only known he didn't like hotdogs," and the Tennessee mother cried, "I thought salad was good for him." The Bama mother then exclaimed, "I don't understand... he fixed his own lunch!"
The median IQ in Tuscaloosa doubles every Saturday in the fall when Alabama has an away football game.
Jerry Duncan said he quit watching the television show "Baywatch" because the plot was too hard to follow.
When Eli Gold was a child, his father had to put truck tires on his bike.
Mike Dubose once cracked open a bottle of champagne when he received a letter from the Publishers Clearing House saying he was one of the finalists.
David Hobbs is next on a waiting list for a charisma bypass.
It was a cool November evening on the plains in Jordan-Hare Stadium. It had been a hard fought game between the Tigers and the Tide. One for the history books. Auburn was leading the game late in the fourth quarter, but Bama had the ball and were at the Auburn 30 yard line. It was 4th down and 3 yards to go for the first down. Mike Dubose was pacing nervously when he looked to the heavens and said, "God, help me out here. What should i do, go for it or kick the field goal?" Mike awaited an answer, when suddenly God replied and said, "GO FOR IT MY SON!" Without hesitation, Dubose sends in the 4th down play. It failed miserably, turnover on downs...Auburn's ball. Auburn runs out the clock and wins the game. As Dubose trots off the field, he looks up and says, "Why God? why did you tell me to go for it, when you knew we wouldn't make the first down?" He awaits an answer. Suddenly after a long pause God replies, "Shug, now why did you tell me he should go for it?"
A tornado recently hit Tuscaloosa and did $3 million worth of improvements.
In an economy move, the lights from the numbers 20 and above have been removed from the scoreboard at Bryant-Denny.
Weather specialists finally figured out what happened to the Tide in 1997 --- EL NINO !
One day an Auburn fan noticed a Bama fan intently staring at a can of Welch's frozen grape juice in the grocery store. When the Auburn fan asked what was going on, the Bama fan replied, "It says CONCENTRATE."
A Bama football player was almost killed in a tragic horseback riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. Thank God the manager of the K-Mart came out and unplugged it in time!
A guy went to Tuscaloosa and picked up one of those new Mercedes. He was testing it out in the parking lot, turned on the radio and nothing happened. Furious, he demanded to see the plant manager, and told her "When i buy a $50,000 car i expect the *@ radio to work."
The plant manager explained to him that the radio had been programed to his voice and all he had to do was tell the radio what he wanted to hear. Pretty neat stuff.
He got back into the car and said "Country music", and old Willie started singing. "Rock and Roll", he exclaimed, and immediately Elvis started crooning. "Easy listening", he remarked, and all at once it sounded like he was in an elevator.
He was relaxed, driving up I-59 to Birmingham, and listening to smooth sounds. Then a pickup truck with two good ole boys almost ran him off the road.
"Stupid rednecks!" he screamed.
The radio immediately blurted out, "TOUCHdooooooooown AllaBAAAAAAAmaaa!!!!"
Q : Where was OJ headed in the white bronco?
A : To Tuscaloosa ... He knew that the Police would never look for a Heisman Trophy winner there!!! (courtesy of AUTRACKIN)
Q : Why don't Bama fans drink Kool-Aid?
A : They don't know how to fit the 2 quarts of water into that little package!
Q : Why don't doctors circumcize Bama fans?
A : There's no end to those pricks!
Q : How do you get an Alabama Cheerleader to lose 10 pounds of ugly fat?
A : Cut off her head!
Q : Why don't Bama fans fart?
A : Their mouths are never closed long enough to build up any pressure!
Q : How do you break an Alabama football player's finger?
A : Punch him in the nose!
Q : What do Freddie Kitchens and Billy Graham have in common?
A : They are the only two people in the world that can make 80,000 people stand up and yell, "JESUS CHRIST!!!"
Q : Why do they throw out a sack of manure at Bama weddings?
A : To keep the flies off the bride.
Q : What do you do when a Crimson Tider throws a hand grenade at you?
A : Take out the pin and throw it back!
Q : How do you keep a Bama player from drowning in a puddle?
A : Take your foot off his head!
Mike DuBojo died and went to heaven. God says, "Welcome to Heaven, Mike. Follow me and i will take you to the place i have prepared for you." So Mike DuBojo follows God, who leads him to this old shack that is decorated with crimson and white paint, Alabama paraphanalia, and even a picture of da bear hanging over the mantle. So mike looks out the window, and on top of a BIG hill is a HUGE mansion with Auburn stuff wall to wall. It is the most beautiful mansion in all of Heaven. So Mike DuBojo says to God, "You know, God, this place is nice and all, but i have but one question: Why does Terry Bowden get that huge mansion on top of that beautiful hill?" And God replied, "Mike, that's not Terry Bowden's mansion, that's MY mansion!"
Q : What is the difference between a building full of Bama fans and a porcupine?
A : With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!
Q : How can you tell when a Crimson Tider has been using the computer?
A : There's white-out on the screen!
Q : What do they call duct tape in Tuscaloosa?
A : Chrome!
Q : How many Bama fans does it take to eat a 'possum?
A : One to eat it and two to watch out for cars.
Q : What's the difference between Alabama football fans and a litter of puppies?
A : The puppies quit whining after 6 weeks.
Q : Why do Alabama Cheerleaders wear panties?
A : To keep their ankles warm.
Q : What's the best compliment you can give an Alabama Cheerleader?
A : Tell her she's got a nice tooth.
Q : What's the best way to circumsize an Alabama fan?
A : Kick his sister in the chin.
Q : How do you get an Alabama Cheerleader into bed?
A : Grease her hips so she'll squeeze through the door and then throw a twinkie on the bed.
Q : Why don't they teach sex education and driver's ed on the same day at Alabama?
A : They don't want to wear out the mule.
Q : Why do Alabama grads drive around with their diplomas on the dashboards of their cars?
A : So they can park in handicapped spots.
Q : How does a Bama girl turn on the lights after having sex?
A : She opens the car door.
17
Your richest relative buys a new home and you have to help him take the wheels off.
Your Mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before she tells the highway patrolman to "kiss her butt".
The primary color of your car is "bondo".
Directions to your house include the phrase, "turn off the paved road".
Your Mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school athletic event.
Your family tree doesn't fork.
Your Mother keeps a spit cup on her ironing board.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding picture was taken.
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
You have the local Taxidermist's phone number on speed dial.
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
That billboard that says, "Say no to crack" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
Your dog can't watch you eat without getting sick.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
Your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
You can get dog hair from your belly button.
The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
Your huntin' dawg had a litter of puppies in the living room and nobody noticed.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
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